*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
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me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.