*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Finished stitching this today 😇
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that