At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I did not eat the cake…
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?