At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I came this close!!!!
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
You better watch out