At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

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Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.


I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn


mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married


“70% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English”

That’s the most stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard.


When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.


[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.



They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.


Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.