Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.