[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice