Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

Hey i am sexy to you now

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

😂👽

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof