At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
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I think this should do it.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight