At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Introverted vegans go meetless
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.