Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.