[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!