Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.