(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
ACED my prostate exam!
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
calling in to work dehydrated
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.