Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.