[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Saturday
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am