[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
You Might Also Like
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I don’t believe him.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.