[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
thank god the sign was there
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.