Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your wife single?

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣