At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
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Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM