Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.