[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
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[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
The photographer’s assistant
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.