[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
You Might Also Like
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Breaking news:
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…