Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

All excellent questions

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

lmao

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

He just like my cat fr

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron