*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
HR said no more nunchucks.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Hard not to take this personally
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.