[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
You Might Also Like
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.