Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

My first child will be named New Folder.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom