[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen