At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I bet birds love this building.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera