At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids