At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
im 7 sauces long
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.