Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Overindulged this afternoon.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

Time for evil

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.