Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

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