[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I’m good, thanks.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television