Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.