[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
If only
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
True
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
