[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
im 7 sauces long
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Always 🥴
