At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*