At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
The Weeknd is back
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.