At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.