At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances