At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.