At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
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*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.