[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
