[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I think I’ll stand
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Ah..makes sense now
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
