Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

“What movie?” 🤔

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐