Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

Festive toon…

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

Guy who likes music

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.