Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

😂😂😂

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.