At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
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Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.