Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants