At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
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Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Twitter remains undefeated
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool