Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

mandolin: finally a violin for men

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

U talkin 2 me?

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.