At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
You Might Also Like
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Every work call, he judges.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Is this anything
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……