At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf