Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago