Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.