[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I will never stop laughing at this
