Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

My five year plan is a meteorite

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth