At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard