Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.