[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in