STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?