Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

accurate

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia